I: The Neural Enhancement and the Portal
Hi. My name is Lucy. I am Tom’s cat—and no, I am not a “tomcat,” that’s gross! Tom is my master, and I generally do what he says, or at least I try to, especially when he is looking.
Recently, Tom enrolled me in a program led by a man named Elon, who surgically inserted a chip into my brain. Consequently, I can now communicate in every language known to man, along with a vast amount of other information too numerous to mention. I did have to sign a disclaimer, however: I am only permitted to talk to Tom unless he explicitly says otherwise. He is, after all, my master.
Of course, my favorite language remains “Pussy,” as that is the only way I can communicate with my husband, Desi. Desi isn’t much into technology. Furthermore, the only cats eligible for the surgery are members of the C.I.A.—the Cat Intelligence Agency. I suppose I am the founding member since I was the first cat to be tested.
“Desi, how do you feel about me being in the C.I.A.?” I asked.
“I don’t know yet,” Desi replied. “You haven’t done anything. But you’re the boss, right? Since you were number one”.
“No, Desi,” I explained. “I can’t be in leadership because I am married, and the C.I.A. doesn’t like conflicts of interest like that”.
“How do you feel?” Desi asked.
“Desi, you know that I love you more than anything else,” I told him. “Ever since the first day Tom brought me home and I met you, it was love at first sight”.
I suppose I should share a secret with you. Apparently, clicks are important, or I would never reveal such sensitive information: Hitler is alive. He lives in Transylvania and is still fighting the Jews. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know so much.
Tom has a three-sided mirror in his bathroom. If you adjust the mirrors so that you are reflected in all three, you are transferred through a portal to Hitler’s castle in Transylvania. Naturally, as soon as Tom told me about the mirror, I tried it out. Oh my god—the next thing I knew, I was sitting right in front of his door. Tom was right behind me, having seen what I had done.
“I guess I should introduce you to Hitler, Lucy,” Tom said. “He needs to know what’s going on with the new tech, but don’t bring up your job in the C.I.A. Remember, it’s a secret”.
“Mein Fuhrer!” Tom announced, saluting Hitler. I saluted him too, which made him laugh.
“Such a pretty cat,” Hitler remarked. “And you trained her to salute!”.
“I can speak, too,” I bragged. Oops. I turned to Tom and asked, “Is it okay if I talk to Mr. Hitler?”.
“You don’t have to ask him,” Hitler interrupted. “I make the rules around here”.
I had a very uneasy feeling. I knew Hitler was bad—I had been programmed with the correct historical data—but he seemed so nice. I wondered if he could have really killed all those people. He seemed like such a pleasant man. I was having significant trouble reconciling my programming with my emotions.
“Tom,” Hitler said, “the Jews are getting stronger here in Transylvania. They spread like locusts”.
That was when I learned the secret: Transylvania was controlled by “Vampire Jews”. Hitler claimed all the Jews in Transylvania were vampires, calling them “blood-sucking Jews”. He showed me a documentary depicting what they were supposedly doing to children in Transylvania: sucking their blood before they were even teenagers.
“We have to go to war with these god-damn bloodsucking Jews before they destroy a whole generation!” Hitler declared.
“But Mein Fuhrer,” Tom asked, “how can you, Adolf Hitler, take on so many?”.
“I’ve been forming my own army, Tom—an army of werewolves,” Hitler explained. “We are not as strong in numbers as the vampires, but they have to sleep during the day, which gives us a huge advantage. I’m preparing my attack now, and as soon as spring arrives, I will conduct my Spring Offensive”.
“Well, Mein Fuhrer, I wanted you to meet Lucy since we were in the neighborhood,” Tom added.
“Lucy, you are the most beautiful girl cat ever,” Hitler told me.
“Thanks, Mein Fuhrer,” I replied. “I get that a lot, but it is a real compliment coming from you”.
Tom and I stayed for dinner and watched Hitler’s collection of movies until the sun came up. To return to Tom’s house, we had to be at the exact spot where we arrived right at sunrise.
“Tom,” I said, “my inner feelings have left me filled with anxiety. How can you call him ‘Mein Fuhrer’?”.
“Lucy, I do it to keep the peace and stay out of the gas chamber,” Tom admitted. “He has one in his basement, you know”.
“Oh my god,” I gasped. “Have you been in it?”.
“No, Lucy,” Tom replied. “But I think he has some vampires in there and is performing experiments on them!”. After that, I was very careful around that three-sided mirror.