IX: The Final Mission and the Spring Offensive
It was nice to be back at C.I.A. Headquarters.
“Yes, Lucy, we are so glad to see you,” a C.I.A. handler said. “I thought we should have a little debriefing. Lucy, how do you feel about this Hitler-wannabe? You seem to like him. Even our computers are concerned; they detect, as I do, that you are vulnerable to Nazi propaganda”.
“That’s ridiculous!” I protested. “Is this just because of Tom? I assure you Tom is only interested in facts—the facts of history. He doesn’t love Hitler”.
“But he likes him?” the handler pressed.
“All I know is that Tom is an artist and Hitler is an artist,” I said. “Do they love each other? You have to ask them. The farthest I will go is to say that he is a good petter—a very heavy petter, that Hitler”.
“I’m sorry we didn’t get off on the right foot today, Lucy,” the handler apologized. “But this is important information. If Hitler only has one ball, it could be a game-changer. But is this even Hitler? It’s a stretch to think there are werewolves, let alone a ‘Hitler Werewolf.’ I need you to find out if he only has one ball; that is the totality of your new mission”.
“Okay, for sure,” I agreed.
Back at home, I asked Desi, “How do you feel? Is it alright if I lick you?”.
“Of course, Lucy,” Desi said. “I never say no to a good licking”.
“I’ll be careful around your ball—I mean, ball,” I said.
“Oh Lucy! Are you just here to punish me?” Desi groaned. “You want my dick to get hard even though it may be painful!”.
“May or may not—that’s fifty-fifty,” I said. “Besides, I’m horny, Desi. Do you want me?”.
“Sure, Lucy, but if I only bat .500, you can’t get upset,” Desi replied. “Were you having sex with those lesbian cats, Lucy?”.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Desi,” I said. “Don’t talk about such things. Your dick is getting soft; the harder I suck, the softer it gets”.
“I can’t help it, Lucy,” Desi said. “Imagining you with another girl-cat does something to me… it makes me soft”.
“Amazing,” I said. “I guess it’s too soon to have sex”.
“I can’t wait to go to sleep; it’s been such a hard day,” Desi said.
“I’ll join you in a second, Tom,” I said to my master. I went to find Desi. “Desi, what are you doing here?”.
“I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with you after what you did with those lesbian cats,” Desi muttered.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Desi!” I snapped. “I didn’t do anything that my C.I.A. mission did not require, and you agreed that I could join the C.I.A.”.
“Then swear you aren’t a lesbian!” Desi demanded.
“I am not a lesbian. I only love you, Desi!” I swore. “Are you sleeping on the couch?”.
“Yes, Lucy,” he replied.
The C.I.A. gave me a camera to record Hitler. “Hopefully I can catch whether he has one ball or two,” I told Tom. “The camera is movement-activated, so hopefully he will get naked in his room eventually”.
“Where are you going to put it?” Tom asked.
“I have no idea,” I said. “Somewhere in his room, or maybe by the shower. Just don’t get caught, Lucy—Hitler does not take well to spies”.
Our sex life was completely limp. I had zero effect on Desi; just my smell or sound used to be enough to turn him on. This gave me a terrible state of mind; I wasn’t even concerned with the C.I.A. mission anymore, I just wanted to have sex with Desi.
“Lucy! You look upset,” Tom noted.
“I am upset, Tom,” I admitted. “The C.I.A. is insisting I leave for Transylvania tomorrow and Desi hasn’t shown me any affection—not a lick, not a kiss”.
“I wouldn’t worry too much,” Tom said. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder. When your mission is over, you will be a hero of the C.I.A. and the whole world will know of the first talking cat”.
“Fame seems a long way off when your own husband doesn’t care,” I sighed.
“Are you ready to go through the transformer?” Tom asked. “I got all my work done, so I can distract Hitler if you need me to”.
“Hopefully this ridiculous mission will be over quickly,” I said.
“I have faith in you, Lucy,” Tom complimented. “If any cat can find out if Hitler has one dick or two, it is you”.
“Thanks for the compliment, Tom,” I said. “It was a compliment, right? You’re not making fun of me again, are you?”.
“No, Lucy. You can do it,” Tom said. “Remember your training”.
“What training?” I asked. “What do you like best about Hitler, Tom?”.
“Lucy! You’re not supposed to like anything about Hitler,” Tom scolded.
“No one is all bad,” I insisted. “Surely something about him is good. What do you like about Hitler, Lucy?”.
“I guess I like that he is a hard petter,” I said. “The hardest I know. So what about you, Tom?”.
“I guess I like his art,” Tom admitted. “If he had anything to do with designing all those Nazi flags… they’re really cool”.
The trip through the portal was successful. “Did you like it?” I asked Tom.
“For the most part, but I did get a whiff of something,” Tom said.
“Oh yeah, I farted,” I admitted.
“Thanks, Lucy,” Tom grumbled. “Remind me to cut back on your wet cat food”.
“That’s not playing fair, Tom!” I protested. “I need my wet cat food, otherwise I become bloated and it causes problems with Desi”.
“It is so great to see you, Lucy,” Adolf greeted us.
“Thank you, Mein Fuhrer. It is great to see you too,” I said.
“And how is the other cat—Desi, I believe?” Adolf asked.
“Desi is recovering nicely,” I said. “He lost his tail and one of his… balls, Mein Fuhrer”.
“I see. That must have been very painful,” Adolf noted.
“Really, Mein Fuhrer? You think?” I asked.
“I know, Lucy,” Adolf said. “It is every male’s weakness. If you are ever in a tight place because of a male, just kick him in the balls”.
“Is that ‘balls’ plural, or just ‘ball’?” I asked.
“Whitey will be so glad to see you; she has been depressed lately,” Adolf said. “Hopefully you will cheer her up”.
I found Whitey in the dungeon. “Whitey, how are you? Did you know I was coming today?”.
“I had no idea,” Whitey said. “This is great news. It has been quite boring lately. Where is Panther?”.
“She went home,” I said.
“I hope you’re horny, Lucy,” Whitey said. “I haven’t had sex since the night Panzer died”.
“That must be a record for you,” I joked.
“I’m sure it is,” Whitey said. “And you showed up just in time to lick my pussy when it needed it most. What luck!”.
“Today is the birthday of my only child,” Whitey added sadly.
“I didn’t know you were a mother, Whitey,” I said. “Where is your child?”.
“She is dead,” Whitey said. “Hitler killed her—or more accurately, he had her killed”.
“But why, Whitey?” I asked.
“Because she was slow, or what some would call retarded,” Whitey explained. “Hitler has a policy of not wasting food on the ‘infirm.’ One day the doctor told me she suddenly died, but I know he killed her. A mother knows”.
“Where is the father?” I asked.
“Ha! I only saw him during the sex, after that he was gone,” Whitey said.
“Wow. A lot of boy-cats are like that. Pure trash,” I agreed. “Now I understand your attitude toward the Fuhrer. Why did you wait so long to tell me?”.
“Today is her birthday,” Whitey sighed. “Otherwise, I try my hardest to forget. If I am going to remain Hitler’s cat, I can’t be thinking about how he killed my baby; it wouldn’t make for a good cat-human relationship”.
“I imagine you don’t want to end up dead like his dog, Blondie,” I said.
“His dog?” Whitey asked.
“Yes, it is public knowledge that at the end of World War II, he made her take poison just to be sure it worked,” I told her. “How stupid and cruel, especially since he supposedly loved her. He made his wife take it, too. I don’t think it is necessarily a good thing to be loved by Hitler”.
“So Hitler made his dog and wife take poison?” Whitey worried. “I wonder what he is going to do to me?”.
“Tom, have you seen Hitler’s dogs?” I asked my master later.
“No, Lucy, but I heard them bark,” Tom said. “He has two German Shepherds out back”.
“Mein Fuhrer, what are your dogs’ names?” I asked.
“Oh, I should have introduced you,” Adolf said. “This is Blondie and this is Nazi. They are not really friendly; they ate Whitey’s kitten”.
“Remind me not to go sleepwalking outside, Tom,” I whispered. “I don’t want to be eaten or end up with body parts missing”.
“Did you install the camera?” Tom asked.
“Yes, it’s in his bedroom,” I said.
“Is that why you are a lesbian, Whitey?” I asked her later. “Because of what your ‘baby daddy’ did?”.
“I’ve never had one of my lesbian friends leave me short like that,” Whitey said. “Bogart was one-and-done, only concerned about himself. At least my friends care if I enjoy the sex”.
“I am so sorry, Whitey,” I said.
“Tom, do you know Hitler killed Whitey’s baby because she was retarded?” I said to my master.
“Lucy, not so loud!” Tom hissed. “We don’t know if these rooms are bugged. You aren’t practicing good C.I.A. etiquette”.
“I guess you are right,” I said.
Suddenly, Adolf entered the room, visibly distressed. “Mein Fuhrer, why are you so upset?” I asked.
“My number one general—the one in charge of my summer offensive against the Vampire Jews—has died of a heart attack!” Adolf shouted.
“That is bad news,” I said. “Who is your number two general?”.
“I barely trusted number one; I certainly don’t trust the others,” Adolf said, looking at Tom. “Tom, I need you to take over this mission”.
“But Mein Fuhrer, I wouldn’t know where to start,” Tom protested. “I have no experience with such responsibility”.
“But you have military experience,” Adolf countered. “You were in the Special Forces, correct?”.
“Well, yes, but I was only a lowly Sergeant,” Tom argued.
“Hell, Tom, I was only a lowly Corporal and I almost defeated the whole world!” Adolf declared. “Don’t worry, most of the mission is planned. We are going to lure the Vampire Jews into a trap. We are planning the first ‘Youth of Transylvania Sporting Event’”.
“Like the Hitler Youth?” Tom asked.
“Exactly,” Adolf said. “The Jews will not be able to resist attacking poor children; it is what they live for, the bastards”.
“So you’re using children as pawns?” Tom asked.
“There is no more noble cause than the children of Transylvania,” Adolf proclaimed. “The Jews prey on them like the bloodsuckers they are. They can’t help themselves; their greatest orgasm is biting the neck of an innocent child and filling it up with their Jew propaganda”