VIII: Christmas in Transylvania and Desi’s Injury
“So Whitey,” I asked, “how is Christmas in the Hitler household?”
“We have a good Christmas,” Whitey replied. “This will be my third. He seems to really like the holiday, and we all get cat treats. I don’t think he is religious about it”.
“What should I get him for Christmas?” I asked.
“Obviously yourself, Lucy,” Whitey said. “Can’t you tell he loves you? Even more than me!”.
“Oh Whitey, don’t be ridiculous,” I said. “I haven’t even been here a month. He barely knows what my cat-poop smells like! Doesn’t the Fuhrer always treat you good?”.
“Mostly,” Whitey said. “I have learned when not to be around him. And he does not understand ‘pussycat’—he only speaks German. You apparently speak all languages. When did you find the time?”.
“If you want to know the truth, I fell and hit my head,” I joked. “Are you and Panther going steady, Whitey?”.
“No, of course not,” Whitey said. “She is not even a lesbian”.
“But I thought…” I started.
“You thought she was gay like her sister, Panzer?” Whitey asked.
“Well, yes, I just assumed all the girl cats here were lesbians,” I admitted.
“Not all,” Whitey said. “We still have fun. Do you miss Panzer?”.
“Yes,” I said.
“She really knew how to lick me—and I don’t just mean sex,” Whitey said wistfully. “Every day we would lick each other where we needed it, you know, where we couldn’t clean ourselves. She was the best at giving and receiving. I do miss that”.
“Would you like me to lick you?” I asked. “Because I sure would like you to lick me!”.
Suddenly, Whitey announced, “Hey Lucy, Tom is back. He is downstairs talking with Adolf. I think he wants you”.
“Tom, you’re back! I’m so glad to see you!” I said, running downstairs.
“Lucy, it’s Desi,” Tom said solemnly. “He was eaten by a dog”.
“What? That can’t be true!” I cried.
“No, he’s still alive,” Tom corrected. “A dog had his tail, and I had him on the other end. We both pulled at the same time and off came his tail”.
“Was he outside by himself?” I asked.
“Sorry, Lucy, I fell asleep and forgot he was outside,” Tom apologized. “It was dark when I heard a commotion and heard Desi scream. I got outside just in time to grab him. I came to take you back with me; he’s in the cat hospital”.
“I’m sorry everyone, I must go. Bye Mein Fuhrer. Bye Whitey. Bye Panther,” I said.
“Not so fast, Lucy,” Adolf said. “We have to wait for the portal”.
“Is he going to be okay? Is his tail all he lost?” I asked Tom.
“All I know is that there was a lot of blood,” Tom said. “I don’t know any other details”.
Back home, Tom said, “Oh damn, Lucy. The hospital is closed. We will have to come back tomorrow”.
“But I have to see him!” I cried. “I can’t bear to be without him. How do I even know he is alive? What if he died, Tom? What will I do?”.
“Don’t worry, Lucy,” Tom assured me. “I think they would have called me if he died”.
I realized what a fool I had been to care so much for the C.I.A.; it meant nothing to me. Finally, I got to see him.
“How do you feel, Desi? Can you talk?” I asked in Pussy.
“I’m in some pain sometimes when the medicine wears off, about every eight hours,” Desi whispered.
“My name is Doctor Wright,” the vet introduced himself.
“How is he, Doctor?” Tom asked.
“I’m afraid we were not able to save the tail; there was just too much damage from the tearing,” Doctor Wrightexplained.
“Is that all, Doctor?” I asked.
“I’m afraid not,” the Doctor said. “The dog also removed one of Desi’s testicles”.
“He only has one ball?” I gasped.
“Yes, he only has one ball,” the Doctor confirmed. “You can take him home; just make sure he takes his medicine”.
“Omg Lucy, Desi only has one ball,” Tom remarked as we left.
“He can still have kittens, right?” I asked.
“Yes, Lucy, the two of you can still have kittens,” Tom assured me. “But the weird thing is that Hitler also only has one ball. Maybe we should introduce the two so they could share trade secrets”.
“What do you mean, ‘trade secrets’?” I asked.
“Simple, Lucy,” Tom said. “They can share information on what they have in common. Life has to be different with only one ball, and who better to know than someone else in the same situation? It’s a very small family”.
“So Tom, how did Hitler lose his other ball?” I asked.
“I don’t know, Lucy, I’ve just heard that it is so,” Tom replied. “Why don’t you ask him?”.
“You think I should?” I asked.
“Well, if you do, make sure I am not in the room,” Tom said.
“Why? Do you think he will react negatively?” I asked.
“Lucy, this is Hitler,” Tom reminded me. “Do you want to take that chance?”.
I figured the key would be reading his medical records or catching him dressing or showering. He runs a tight ship, so I will have to use all my cat abilities to see for myself.
“Is this information important for your mission, Lucy?” Tom asked.
“I’m sure it is,” I said. “The C.I.A. would gain so much stature because of my discovery. Maybe that is what started the war—Hitler only having one ball. Maybe there are more one-balled Hitlers walking around and we don’t even know it. Surely we should track these people and make sure they are not ‘Hitler Junior’”.
“That’s a good C.I.A. mission for you, Lucy,” Tom joked. “After you finish this one, you can start your next: ‘Elimination of all Hitler Copycats’”.
“Well, I don’t seem to be doing much except hanging around having fun with lesbian cats,” I admitted.
“What was that, Lucy? You were having fun with lesbian cats?” Desi asked, having woken up.
“Oh Desi! I didn’t realize you were awake,” I said.
“Yes, I am awake,” Desi said. “Tell me more about your mission with lesbian cats. My curiosity has gotten the best of me”.
“Desi, you really should not be getting so upset,” I urged. “Besides, it’s time for your medication. Here, take these pills. It will be much better to talk when you wake up. Go to sleep, honey”.