V: The Whitey Night Party and Hitler’s Speech
“Lucy!” Whitey called out.
“What, Whitey? Why are you so excited?” I asked.
“Lucy, Friday night is ‘Whitey Night’ in the castle!” she exclaimed.
“Really? What is that?” I asked.
“Adolf said I could do anything I wanted for one whole night,” Whitey explained.
“So what did you tell him?” I asked. “Is it because I am here?”.
“No, Lucy,” Whitey replied. “I get to invite all my cat friends to the castle for one big party”.
“A sex party?” I asked.
“Well, that is one of the benefits, now that you mention it,” Whitey said. “We do it once a year. We offer free food—the mice of the castle. This is a big place, and hunting them is too big a job for me, so Adolf agreed I could have a party. His only condition is that I let him give a speech to start it. He says he needs the practice, and since you are here, we have an interpreter to make it happen”.
“Well, I can’t wait. I am so excited!” I said.
“Yeah, Lucy, you will meet a lot of girl cats—all of them beautiful!” Whitey said. “You get to translate his speech into cat for all our guests”.
“Oh my god! What an honor!” I thought. But also, what pressure! I was incredibly apprehensive and couldn’t sleep, thinking about all the “hot” girl cats and how it would be impossible to resist them. I was constantly rubbing myself, wishing I could call Desi to center me.
Finally, Friday arrived. “Aren’t you excited, Tom?” I asked.
“Oh yes, Lucy,” Tom replied. “I’m really glad I get to have a little fun tonight since I am leaving Monday”.
“Monday?” I asked, surprised.
“Yes, I have a lot of business to take care of at home, Lucy,” Tom explained. “Sorry for the short notice, but you know how the Fuhrer gets talking. He pressed me for an answer about when I was leaving. You wouldn’t believe how happy he was that you were staying”.
“Please tell Desi that I miss him,” I said. “Tell him I love him and think he is hot”.
“How am I going to do that, Lucy?” Tom asked. “I don’t speak cat”.
“Oh. Of course. Sorry… my bad,” I said.
At five minutes to eight, over a hundred cats had arrived at the large dining hall. They were all given earplugs so they could hear me speaking cat while Hitler spoke German. Before long, however, the earplugs and hearing aids were flying everywhere. Cats will be cats—it was complete mayhem until Hitler appeared. Then, all the cats came to attention and put on their hearing aids as instructed.
“I’m so glad you cats invited me to speak to you,” Hitler began. “Thanks to Tom’s cat, Lucy, cats and humans can finally understand each other”. All the cats stood on their hind legs and applauded me; I was so embarrassed!
“Not only do I respect you cats, I have learned a lot from you—perhaps second only to what I learned from wolves,” Hitler continued. “But what brings us together tonight is a common problem: the Jew. I confront the evil human Jew; you face the rodent Jew. Rodents are the Jews of the animal kingdom. Humans do everything possible to exterminate the rodent, just as I did everything possible to kill as many Jews as I could. I simply attacked the Jewish problem as you cats attack the rodent problem. If you know rodents and rats, you know Jews—there is no difference!”.
Once again, the cats stood in applause.
“If not for weakness in my ranks, I would have been successful in my mission,” Hitler declared. “Here in Transylvania, we are experiencing the final stage of their warfare against humanity. Here, the Jews become vampires. They live to suck the blood of your children to turn them into vampires. I call on all cats and werewolves, and all other creatures of valor, to defend mankind and the animal kingdom against the evil blood-sucking Vampire Jews, mice, and rats. Amen”.