IV: The Dinner Party and the Nazi Secrets
“I was beginning to worry about you, Lucy,” Tom said when we reunited.
“Whitey showed me the Eagle’s Nest—the highest place in the castle,” I explained.
“Oh, we can go there after dinner,” Adolf offered. “I truly enjoy watching the sunset there”.
“So you spend a lot of time there, Mein Fuhrer?” I asked.
“Yes, Lucy,” Adolf replied. “I do some of my deepest thinking there. Let me take you there after dinner”.
“But it is so small,” I noted. “Where will I sit?”.
“In my lap, Lucy,” Adolf said. Uh-oh.
Dinner was excellent. I love chicken, but I noticed Hitler didn’t have any. “Why didn’t you have any?” I asked.
“I don’t eat meat much, if at all,” Adolf explained. “I am mostly vegetarian”.
“Tell me more about your war with the vampires,” I pressed.
“I’m sorry, Lucy,” Adolf said. “I’d rather not. I’d prefer to just look out over the mountains and relax”.
“So, was attacking Russia why you lost the war?” I asked. Suddenly, Hitler flew into a rage. He stood up so fast that I went flying, almost falling through the open window.
“I lost the war because of incompetent generals and treason in the ranks at the very top!” Hitler screamed.
I figured I had better change the subject. “Tell me more about when you became a werewolf”.
“It was the day I left Berlin, right before it fell,” Adolf said, calming down. “Our scientists had worked up the formula. It was as simple as getting a shot—not like in the movies where you have to be bitten or scratched”.
“So now you live forever?” I asked.
“There are no guarantees, of course,” Adolf replied. “Every day is a gift—another chance to rid the world of the vermin Jews and vampires!”.
“Did you and the Fuhrer have a nice time at the Eagle’s Nest, Lucy?” Tom asked later.
“For the most part,” I said.
“Most part? Did you bring up the war again?” Tom asked.
“I can’t help it, Tom,” I defended. “This may be the world’s only opportunity to get answers”.
“Answers? You’re going to get answers alright,” Tom said. “What does Hitler do for fun? He watches execution videos. Everyone knows that! He had all those traitors who tried to blow him up executed and then watched the recordings”.
“Yuk!” I said. “Guess what, Tom? Whitey says that when it is cold, she sleeps with the Fuhrer in the same bed”.
“And?” Tom asked.
“I wanted to ask you if it was okay if I slept with her—I mean him… I mean them?”.
“What about me, Lucy?” Tom asked. “Who is gonna sleep with me if you are sleeping with the Fuhrer?”.
“Tom, it is nothing like that,” I assured him. “I am sure the C.I.A. will love to get a bird’s-eye view of his sleeping habits. It is all for the mission”.
“All for the mission, Lucy? What about Whitey?” Tom smirked.
“Well… you got me there,” I admitted.
I knocked on the Fuhrer’s door at the appropriate time. Adolf answered, and he was completely naked. I was so shocked that I forgot to look and see if he had two balls. That was part of my mission: “Does Adolf Hitler have two balls or one?”. Apparently, it is a very controversial subject. I was no closer to finding out because he had already made his way to the shower. Damn. I must not forget to look at his balls at the first opportunity; this is basic stuff, and I should already know the answer.
“Oh hi, Lucy,” Whitey said, appearing in the room. “I see you found Adolf’s bedroom”.
“Yes,” I said. “Where do you sleep?”.
“In the bed, of course,” Whitey replied.
“Can I ask you a question?” I asked her. “Does Adolf have two balls or one?”.
“Lucy, what a ridiculous question,” Whitey laughed. “Why?”.
“The whole world wants to know!” I exclaimed.
“Oh really? And you are going to tell them?” Whitey asked.
“Of course not, Whitey,” I lied. “It’s more a ‘curiosity killed the cat’ type of thing”.
“Actually, I am not sure,” Whitey admitted. “I don’t have much interest in men’s balls. If you wanted to know about a girl-cat’s pussy, that I am much more likely to know. Sorry!”.
Sleeping with Hitler—which sounds like the name of the book I should write about this—was not the best experience. The rumors of his bad breath are definitely true, probably due to the werewolf thing. He never stops tossing and turning, having serious dreams. I didn’t get a lick of sleep. And, of course, Whitey wouldn’t leave me alone. I wish Desi was like that. Speaking of Desi, I wish I could call him, but how would he pick up the phone?.
“Tom, I can’t believe I slept with Hitler,” I said the next morning.
“Believe it, Lucy,” Tom said. “Now you are a certified Nazi”.
“Nazi? No way!” I protested. “I’m not into all that. I just wonder how many cats have died in his experiments”.
“Well, if you don’t want to be the next one, you had better watch what you talk about around him,” Tom warned. “The war is definitely off-limits. Just stick with small talk, like the weather or how much you appreciate clean cat boxes. The less you say, the better, considering your job”.
“And I blew my chance to find the answer to one of my mission’s most important questions,” I lamented.
“What question is that, Lucy?” Tom asked.
“Does Hitler have two balls or one?”.
“Really? The C.I.A. wants to know that?” Tom laughed.
“Yes,” I said. “It was one of the first bullet points in my mission instructions. When he opened the door naked, I was so shocked I looked away, and by the time I remembered, he was already in the shower”.
“You really dropped the ball, Lucy!” Tom joked. “By the way, no help from me on that one”.
“Thanks, Tom,” I said sarcastically. “Just when I needed you most”.
“So Tom,” Adolf asked , “how long are you and Lucy going to stay? I really enjoy having Lucy around. She is so much more pleasant to sleep with than Whitey. Please don’t mention that to her, Lucy; she is very sensitive”.
“Oh, don’t worry, Mein Fuhrer,” I said. “I’ll keep your secret”.
“Do you have to take Lucy home so soon, Tom?” Adolf asked. “Lucy and Whitey are getting along so well, and there is so much of the castle Lucy hasn’t even seen”.
“Oh, what do you think, Lucy?” Tom asked. “Would you like to spend more time with Whitey?”.
“Sure! Thanks, Mein Fuhrer,” I said. Mission accomplished—and extended!