III: The Investigation of Hitler’s Castle
“How’s the packing going, Lucy?” Tom asked.
“Good, Tom,” I said. “My butt-pack is almost full. I just hope everything makes it through the transformer. I’ve never tried to take ‘stuff’ before”. I specifically wanted my favorite cat spray; I love the smell and can’t live without it.
I truly love the way Tom holds me when we go through the mirror portal. He calls it a “transformer”. It is a real rush for about ten seconds before we arrive at the castle in Transylvania. Tom tells me it’s like doing cocaine, though I wouldn’t know about that.
Hitler’s #2 man greeted us at the door. “The Fuhrer will be so glad you are here. I will go get him”. According to Tom, the castle was of 11th-century design and always cold unless you were near one of the many huge fireplaces.
“I’m so glad you made it, Lucy. How was your trip?” Hitler asked.
“A real rush, Mein Fuhrer!” I replied.
“And you brought Tom with you,” Hitler noted.
“Yeah, he kind of follows me wherever I go,” I joked, which got a big laugh from Hitler.
“Lucy, I was so busy the last time you were here that I neglected to show you my castle,” Hitler said. “Would you like to see it all?”.
“Oh my god, I would forever be in your debt,” I said, excited. “It’s already the most beautiful place I have ever been”.
“Well, you must not get around much,” Hitler chuckled. “It could definitely use some new furniture. It’s just that I have been so busy planning my attack on the blood-sucking Vampire Jews. It seems that planning to kill them is all I do”.
“Have you ever thought of a vacation? Paris? London?” I asked.
“Lucy, you are the funniest cat I have ever met!” Hitler laughed. “I can’t remember when I laughed so much!”.
“I’m just here to please,” I said. “By the way, where is your cat?”.
“You mean Whitey?” Hitler asked. “She likes to hang out in the dungeon. You’ll meet her during the tour”.
“Mein Fuhrer…” I started.
“Call me Adolf, Lucy,” he interrupted.
“How come you look so young compared to the last time you were seen in public?” I asked. “You don’t look a day over forty”.
“You’re so kind, Lucy,” Adolf replied. “Actually, I have had a few surgeries, and you know what they say about Nazi doctors!”.
“Actually, my program doesn’t have an answer for that one,” I said.
“Simple, Lucy—Nazi doctors are the best!” Adolf declared.
As we got closer to the dungeon, I heard occasional screams, yells, and crying.
“Oh, pay no attention to those fakers,” Adolf dismissed. “They like to act like they are special and life is hard. They have it good in my dungeon; their lives find meaning through the advancement of science, medicine, or surgeries. We make sure each Jew is put through the whole gamut of our tests”.
“But isn’t that a lot of pain? Especially the tests where you freeze them?” I asked.
“Most Jews don’t make it through the freezing test, especially the women,” Adolf replied coldly.
“What happens if freezing doesn’t kill you?” I asked.
“We just keep testing them until there is nothing left,” Adolf said. “No part of the Jew goes to waste when it comes to suffering!”. Oh my god.
“Oh, there’s Whitey,” Adolf said. “I knew you would be in the dungeon”.
“Who is this sexy cat you bought me, Adolf?” Whitey asked in cat.
“My name is Lucy,” I replied with a meow.
“Are you a fan of mine?” Whitey asked. “Are you here to have sex with me? Because I’m a very busy cat”.
“What is she saying, Lucy? Is she speaking cat to you?” Tom asked.
“Yes, she is speaking cat to me,” I told him. Then I turned back to Whitey: “And no, I am not here to have sex with you. How rude!”.
“Well, I wasn’t trying to be rude,” Whitey replied. “I meet a lot of cats who think they know me and that I owe them a good time just because I am the Fuhrer’s cat”.
“Why do you hang out in the dungeon? It seems like a depressing place,” I noted.
“Exactly,” Whitey agreed. “I come here when I am depressed. After watching how bad these vampires have it, I don’t feel so bad, and my depression is over”.
“Interesting,” I said. “I’ll have to try that mind-bender when I get home”.
“Home? Where is that?” Whitey asked.
“Well, I am Tom’s cat, so I live with him in Arizona,” I explained.
“I’ve never been out of Transylvania,” Whitey said. “I hear this is the best place for cats”.
“Well, it is for you, since you are Hitler’s cat,” I said. “Believe me, it’s not like he can live just anywhere!”.
“Follow me, Lucy,” Whitey said.
“Wait, where are you going? What about Tom and the Fuhrer?” I asked.
“Don’t worry about those two,” Whitey replied. “They won’t even notice we are gone”.
I followed Whitey to the very top of the castle—the “Eagle’s Nest”—an observatory that provided line-of-sight in every direction.
“I love to be high,” Whitey confessed. “I get the biggest rush from being as high as possible”.
“Of course,” I agreed. “All cats are like that. Even I am feeling that rush right now”.
Suddenly, Whitey grabbed me and started rubbing against me. I tried to resist, but she was so persistent—and I didn’t want to be rude. Besides, I couldn’t resist.
“You are the most beautiful white cat I have ever seen,” I told her.
“So that must mean you enjoyed the sex,” Whitey purred. “Did you cum?”.
“I’m still cumming!” I said.
“Omg, Lucy,” Whitey said. “I don’t usually spend so much time having sex—I mean, twice with a stranger? I must be getting weak in my old age”.
“How old are you?” I asked.
“I’m seven—in cat years, of course,” Whitey said. “Still in my prime”.
“I’ll say, Whitey,” I agreed. “I find you quite irresistible”. And then we went for Round Two.