Author: tomthebaptist

IX: The Final Mission and the Spring Offensive

It was nice to be back at C.I.A. Headquarters.

“Yes, Lucy, we are so glad to see you,” a C.I.A. handler said. “I thought we should have a little debriefing. Lucy, how do you feel about this Hitler-wannabe? You seem to like him. Even our computers are concerned; they detect, as I do, that you are vulnerable to Nazi propaganda”.

“That’s ridiculous!” I protested. “Is this just because of Tom? I assure you Tom is only interested in facts—the facts of history. He doesn’t love Hitler”.

“But he likes him?” the handler pressed.

“All I know is that Tom is an artist and Hitler is an artist,” I said. “Do they love each other? You have to ask them. The farthest I will go is to say that he is a good petter—a very heavy petter, that Hitler”.

“I’m sorry we didn’t get off on the right foot today, Lucy,” the handler apologized. “But this is important information. If Hitler only has one ball, it could be a game-changer. But is this even Hitler? It’s a stretch to think there are werewolves, let alone a ‘Hitler Werewolf.’ I need you to find out if he only has one ball; that is the totality of your new mission”.

“Okay, for sure,” I agreed.

Back at home, I asked Desi, “How do you feel? Is it alright if I lick you?”.

“Of course, Lucy,” Desi said. “I never say no to a good licking”.

“I’ll be careful around your ball—I mean, ball,” I said.

“Oh Lucy! Are you just here to punish me?” Desi groaned. “You want my dick to get hard even though it may be painful!”.

“May or may not—that’s fifty-fifty,” I said. “Besides, I’m horny, Desi. Do you want me?”.

“Sure, Lucy, but if I only bat .500, you can’t get upset,” Desi replied. “Were you having sex with those lesbian cats, Lucy?”.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Desi,” I said. “Don’t talk about such things. Your dick is getting soft; the harder I suck, the softer it gets”.

“I can’t help it, Lucy,” Desi said. “Imagining you with another girl-cat does something to me… it makes me soft”.

“Amazing,” I said. “I guess it’s too soon to have sex”.

“I can’t wait to go to sleep; it’s been such a hard day,” Desi said.

“I’ll join you in a second, Tom,” I said to my master. I went to find Desi. “Desi, what are you doing here?”.

“I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with you after what you did with those lesbian cats,” Desi muttered.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Desi!” I snapped. “I didn’t do anything that my C.I.A. mission did not require, and you agreed that I could join the C.I.A.”.

“Then swear you aren’t a lesbian!” Desi demanded.

“I am not a lesbian. I only love you, Desi!” I swore. “Are you sleeping on the couch?”.

“Yes, Lucy,” he replied.

The C.I.A. gave me a camera to record Hitler. “Hopefully I can catch whether he has one ball or two,” I told Tom. “The camera is movement-activated, so hopefully he will get naked in his room eventually”.

“Where are you going to put it?” Tom asked.

“I have no idea,” I said. “Somewhere in his room, or maybe by the shower. Just don’t get caught, Lucy—Hitler does not take well to spies”.

Our sex life was completely limp. I had zero effect on Desi; just my smell or sound used to be enough to turn him on. This gave me a terrible state of mind; I wasn’t even concerned with the C.I.A. mission anymore, I just wanted to have sex with Desi.

“Lucy! You look upset,” Tom noted.

“I am upset, Tom,” I admitted. “The C.I.A. is insisting I leave for Transylvania tomorrow and Desi hasn’t shown me any affection—not a lick, not a kiss”.

“I wouldn’t worry too much,” Tom said. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder. When your mission is over, you will be a hero of the C.I.A. and the whole world will know of the first talking cat”.

“Fame seems a long way off when your own husband doesn’t care,” I sighed.

“Are you ready to go through the transformer?” Tom asked. “I got all my work done, so I can distract Hitler if you need me to”.

“Hopefully this ridiculous mission will be over quickly,” I said.

“I have faith in you, Lucy,” Tom complimented. “If any cat can find out if Hitler has one dick or two, it is you”.

“Thanks for the compliment, Tom,” I said. “It was a compliment, right? You’re not making fun of me again, are you?”.

“No, Lucy. You can do it,” Tom said. “Remember your training”.

“What training?” I asked. “What do you like best about Hitler, Tom?”.

“Lucy! You’re not supposed to like anything about Hitler,” Tom scolded.

“No one is all bad,” I insisted. “Surely something about him is good. What do you like about Hitler, Lucy?”.

“I guess I like that he is a hard petter,” I said. “The hardest I know. So what about you, Tom?”.

“I guess I like his art,” Tom admitted. “If he had anything to do with designing all those Nazi flags… they’re really cool”.

The trip through the portal was successful. “Did you like it?” I asked Tom.

“For the most part, but I did get a whiff of something,” Tom said.

“Oh yeah, I farted,” I admitted.

“Thanks, Lucy,” Tom grumbled. “Remind me to cut back on your wet cat food”.

“That’s not playing fair, Tom!” I protested. “I need my wet cat food, otherwise I become bloated and it causes problems with Desi”.

“It is so great to see you, Lucy,” Adolf greeted us.

“Thank you, Mein Fuhrer. It is great to see you too,” I said.

“And how is the other cat—Desi, I believe?” Adolf asked.

“Desi is recovering nicely,” I said. “He lost his tail and one of his… balls, Mein Fuhrer”.

“I see. That must have been very painful,” Adolf noted.

“Really, Mein Fuhrer? You think?” I asked.

“I know, Lucy,” Adolf said. “It is every male’s weakness. If you are ever in a tight place because of a male, just kick him in the balls”.

“Is that ‘balls’ plural, or just ‘ball’?” I asked.

“Whitey will be so glad to see you; she has been depressed lately,” Adolf said. “Hopefully you will cheer her up”.

I found Whitey in the dungeon. “Whitey, how are you? Did you know I was coming today?”.

“I had no idea,” Whitey said. “This is great news. It has been quite boring lately. Where is Panther?”.

“She went home,” I said.

“I hope you’re horny, Lucy,” Whitey said. “I haven’t had sex since the night Panzer died”.

“That must be a record for you,” I joked.

“I’m sure it is,” Whitey said. “And you showed up just in time to lick my pussy when it needed it most. What luck!”.

“Today is the birthday of my only child,” Whitey added sadly.

“I didn’t know you were a mother, Whitey,” I said. “Where is your child?”.

“She is dead,” Whitey said. “Hitler killed her—or more accurately, he had her killed”.

“But why, Whitey?” I asked.

“Because she was slow, or what some would call retarded,” Whitey explained. “Hitler has a policy of not wasting food on the ‘infirm.’ One day the doctor told me she suddenly died, but I know he killed her. A mother knows”.

“Where is the father?” I asked.

“Ha! I only saw him during the sex, after that he was gone,” Whitey said.

“Wow. A lot of boy-cats are like that. Pure trash,” I agreed. “Now I understand your attitude toward the Fuhrer. Why did you wait so long to tell me?”.

“Today is her birthday,” Whitey sighed. “Otherwise, I try my hardest to forget. If I am going to remain Hitler’s cat, I can’t be thinking about how he killed my baby; it wouldn’t make for a good cat-human relationship”.

“I imagine you don’t want to end up dead like his dog, Blondie,” I said.

“His dog?” Whitey asked.

“Yes, it is public knowledge that at the end of World War II, he made her take poison just to be sure it worked,” I told her. “How stupid and cruel, especially since he supposedly loved her. He made his wife take it, too. I don’t think it is necessarily a good thing to be loved by Hitler”.

“So Hitler made his dog and wife take poison?” Whitey worried. “I wonder what he is going to do to me?”.

“Tom, have you seen Hitler’s dogs?” I asked my master later.

“No, Lucy, but I heard them bark,” Tom said. “He has two German Shepherds out back”.

“Mein Fuhrer, what are your dogs’ names?” I asked.

“Oh, I should have introduced you,” Adolf said. “This is Blondie and this is Nazi. They are not really friendly; they ate Whitey’s kitten”.

“Remind me not to go sleepwalking outside, Tom,” I whispered. “I don’t want to be eaten or end up with body parts missing”.

“Did you install the camera?” Tom asked.

“Yes, it’s in his bedroom,” I said.

“Is that why you are a lesbian, Whitey?” I asked her later. “Because of what your ‘baby daddy’ did?”.

“I’ve never had one of my lesbian friends leave me short like that,” Whitey said. “Bogart was one-and-done, only concerned about himself. At least my friends care if I enjoy the sex”.

“I am so sorry, Whitey,” I said.

“Tom, do you know Hitler killed Whitey’s baby because she was retarded?” I said to my master.

“Lucy, not so loud!” Tom hissed. “We don’t know if these rooms are bugged. You aren’t practicing good C.I.A. etiquette”.

“I guess you are right,” I said.

Suddenly, Adolf entered the room, visibly distressed. “Mein Fuhrer, why are you so upset?” I asked.

“My number one general—the one in charge of my summer offensive against the Vampire Jews—has died of a heart attack!” Adolf shouted.

“That is bad news,” I said. “Who is your number two general?”.

“I barely trusted number one; I certainly don’t trust the others,” Adolf said, looking at Tom. “Tom, I need you to take over this mission”.

“But Mein Fuhrer, I wouldn’t know where to start,” Tom protested. “I have no experience with such responsibility”.

“But you have military experience,” Adolf countered. “You were in the Special Forces, correct?”.

“Well, yes, but I was only a lowly Sergeant,” Tom argued.

“Hell, Tom, I was only a lowly Corporal and I almost defeated the whole world!” Adolf declared. “Don’t worry, most of the mission is planned. We are going to lure the Vampire Jews into a trap. We are planning the first ‘Youth of Transylvania Sporting Event’”.

“Like the Hitler Youth?” Tom asked.

“Exactly,” Adolf said. “The Jews will not be able to resist attacking poor children; it is what they live for, the bastards”.

“So you’re using children as pawns?” Tom asked.

“There is no more noble cause than the children of Transylvania,” Adolf proclaimed. “The Jews prey on them like the bloodsuckers they are. They can’t help themselves; their greatest orgasm is biting the neck of an innocent child and filling it up with their Jew propaganda”

VIII: Christmas in Transylvania and Desi’s Injury

“So Whitey,” I asked, “how is Christmas in the Hitler household?”

“We have a good Christmas,” Whitey replied. “This will be my third. He seems to really like the holiday, and we all get cat treats. I don’t think he is religious about it”.

“What should I get him for Christmas?” I asked.

“Obviously yourself, Lucy,” Whitey said. “Can’t you tell he loves you? Even more than me!”.

“Oh Whitey, don’t be ridiculous,” I said. “I haven’t even been here a month. He barely knows what my cat-poop smells like! Doesn’t the Fuhrer always treat you good?”.

“Mostly,” Whitey said. “I have learned when not to be around him. And he does not understand ‘pussycat’—he only speaks German. You apparently speak all languages. When did you find the time?”.

“If you want to know the truth, I fell and hit my head,” I joked. “Are you and Panther going steady, Whitey?”.

“No, of course not,” Whitey said. “She is not even a lesbian”.

“But I thought…” I started.

“You thought she was gay like her sister, Panzer?” Whitey asked.

“Well, yes, I just assumed all the girl cats here were lesbians,” I admitted.

“Not all,” Whitey said. “We still have fun. Do you miss Panzer?”.

“Yes,” I said.

“She really knew how to lick me—and I don’t just mean sex,” Whitey said wistfully. “Every day we would lick each other where we needed it, you know, where we couldn’t clean ourselves. She was the best at giving and receiving. I do miss that”.

“Would you like me to lick you?” I asked. “Because I sure would like you to lick me!”.

Suddenly, Whitey announced, “Hey Lucy, Tom is back. He is downstairs talking with Adolf. I think he wants you”.

“Tom, you’re back! I’m so glad to see you!” I said, running downstairs.

“Lucy, it’s Desi,” Tom said solemnly. “He was eaten by a dog”.

“What? That can’t be true!” I cried.

“No, he’s still alive,” Tom corrected. “A dog had his tail, and I had him on the other end. We both pulled at the same time and off came his tail”.

“Was he outside by himself?” I asked.

“Sorry, Lucy, I fell asleep and forgot he was outside,” Tom apologized. “It was dark when I heard a commotion and heard Desi scream. I got outside just in time to grab him. I came to take you back with me; he’s in the cat hospital”.

“I’m sorry everyone, I must go. Bye Mein Fuhrer. Bye Whitey. Bye Panther,” I said.

“Not so fast, Lucy,” Adolf said. “We have to wait for the portal”.

“Is he going to be okay? Is his tail all he lost?” I asked Tom.

“All I know is that there was a lot of blood,” Tom said. “I don’t know any other details”.

Back home, Tom said, “Oh damn, Lucy. The hospital is closed. We will have to come back tomorrow”.

“But I have to see him!” I cried. “I can’t bear to be without him. How do I even know he is alive? What if he died, Tom? What will I do?”.

“Don’t worry, Lucy,” Tom assured me. “I think they would have called me if he died”.

I realized what a fool I had been to care so much for the C.I.A.; it meant nothing to me. Finally, I got to see him.

“How do you feel, Desi? Can you talk?” I asked in Pussy.

“I’m in some pain sometimes when the medicine wears off, about every eight hours,” Desi whispered.

“My name is Doctor Wright,” the vet introduced himself.

“How is he, Doctor?” Tom asked.

“I’m afraid we were not able to save the tail; there was just too much damage from the tearing,” Doctor Wrightexplained.

“Is that all, Doctor?” I asked.

“I’m afraid not,” the Doctor said. “The dog also removed one of Desi’s testicles”.

“He only has one ball?” I gasped.

“Yes, he only has one ball,” the Doctor confirmed. “You can take him home; just make sure he takes his medicine”.

“Omg Lucy, Desi only has one ball,” Tom remarked as we left.

“He can still have kittens, right?” I asked.

“Yes, Lucy, the two of you can still have kittens,” Tom assured me. “But the weird thing is that Hitler also only has one ball. Maybe we should introduce the two so they could share trade secrets”.

“What do you mean, ‘trade secrets’?” I asked.

“Simple, Lucy,” Tom said. “They can share information on what they have in common. Life has to be different with only one ball, and who better to know than someone else in the same situation? It’s a very small family”.

“So Tom, how did Hitler lose his other ball?” I asked.

“I don’t know, Lucy, I’ve just heard that it is so,” Tom replied. “Why don’t you ask him?”.

“You think I should?” I asked.

“Well, if you do, make sure I am not in the room,” Tom said.

“Why? Do you think he will react negatively?” I asked.

“Lucy, this is Hitler,” Tom reminded me. “Do you want to take that chance?”.

I figured the key would be reading his medical records or catching him dressing or showering. He runs a tight ship, so I will have to use all my cat abilities to see for myself.

“Is this information important for your mission, Lucy?” Tom asked.

“I’m sure it is,” I said. “The C.I.A. would gain so much stature because of my discovery. Maybe that is what started the war—Hitler only having one ball. Maybe there are more one-balled Hitlers walking around and we don’t even know it. Surely we should track these people and make sure they are not ‘Hitler Junior’”.

“That’s a good C.I.A. mission for you, Lucy,” Tom joked. “After you finish this one, you can start your next: ‘Elimination of all Hitler Copycats’”.

“Well, I don’t seem to be doing much except hanging around having fun with lesbian cats,” I admitted.

“What was that, Lucy? You were having fun with lesbian cats?” Desi asked, having woken up.

“Oh Desi! I didn’t realize you were awake,” I said.

“Yes, I am awake,” Desi said. “Tell me more about your mission with lesbian cats. My curiosity has gotten the best of me”.

“Desi, you really should not be getting so upset,” I urged. “Besides, it’s time for your medication. Here, take these pills. It will be much better to talk when you wake up. Go to sleep, honey”.

VII: The Werewolf Rage and the Dark Secrets of the Kitchen

“Lucy,” Whitey called out. “Have you met Panther yet?”.

“No,” I said. “I saw her talking to Panzer”.

“She is Panzer’s twin sister,” Whitey explained.

“Oh yes, now I see it,” I said. “You look exactly like her”.

“Most boy-cats think I am better looking—or so they say,” Panther meowed. “I’m so sorry about your sister. I was hoping she would team up with me for the competition, but she chose you… and now she’s dead”.

“Are you staying for dinner, Panther?” I asked.

“Oh yes,” Panther replied. “I could eat three mice. I’m starving”.

Dinner with the Fuhrer is always unpredictable. He had told me he was a werewolf, but I didn’t really know what that meant until dinner this night with Whitey and Panther. The Fuhrer took one bite of his soup and all hell broke loose.

“What the hell is this?” Adolf screamed. “Who the hell put meat in my soup? Everyone knows I don’t eat meat!”.

The cook was standing right in front of him. Suddenly, Hitler’s body expanded to at least twice its size, ripping his clothes. He pounced on the cook, leaving only a shattering of what had started out as a man. He carefully looked at each of us in the room as if deciding whether or not we should die.

When his eyes met mine, they turned from evil to a glimpse of goodwill. He spent the longest time looking at Whitey before running out of the room.

“Oh my god, Lucy,” Whitey gasped. “I think he wanted to kill you for a second”.

“Me?” I asked. “I thought it was you he wanted to kill! I think killing the cook took a lot out of him, and he didn’t feel up to chasing cats around the house—because I sure as hell was ready to run”.

“Well, we might as well all eat,” Whitey said. “I hate to see this good cat food go to waste”.

“For sure, Whitey,” I agreed. “Hitler has the best cat food in the world—definitely number one”.

“You think so, Lucy?” Panther asked.

“Yes, I’ve been to a few places and this is the best ever,” I said.

“I guess you’re right,” Panther replied. “I just didn’t want to believe those rumors that the cat food was made from prisoners who died of torture”.

“How can you say that, Panther?” Whitey scolded. “What kind of host do you think I am? I only serve the best cat food”.

“How is Hitler going to eat, Whitey?” I asked. “He killed his cook”.

“Not his first-string cook,” Whitey explained. “The main cook is on vacation. This guy was a fill-in. Every cook I’ve ever seen here knew Hitler was a vegetarian. This guy was the first who didn’t know. He was also the most dark-skinned cook I have ever seen cooking for the Fuhrer—I swear he looked black”.

“Really? You think that is why Hitler killed him? Is Hitler a racist?” I asked.

“Of course, Lucy,” Whitey said. “Hitler is the definition of a racist”.

The next morning at 11 AM, Adolf appeared. “Good morning, Lucy. I hope I wasn’t too rude yesterday. It is just that I truly believe that cook did that purposefully. I should have known that a nigger could not be trusted, even in the year 2025”.

“Oh, I knew he was dark-skinned for this neighborhood, but I didn’t think he was black, per se,” I said.

“No, Lucy, he was a nigger—a nigger who tried to kill me, by the way,” Adolf insisted.

“I thought of him as a dark-skinned Italian,” I said.

“And what is a dark-skinned Italian other than a nigger?” Adolf replied.

“Oh, I just thought the Nazis were better off focusing on addition rather than subtraction,” I suggested.

“It was a close call either way,” Adolf said. “But I wasn’t in the mood for close calls; I demanded perfection and got the opposite. Lately, I am feeling more tense because of the coming summer campaign against the Vampire Jews. We must be successful immediately; I don’t seem to do as well in long-term conflicts”.

Hitler is a “heavy petter,” meaning he puts a lot of physical pressure on whoever he is petting. Whitey noticed it too; he was the heaviest petter she knew. It’s an acquired taste and made me a little uncomfortable and tense, but what can you do?. I wasn’t excited about jumping into his lap, but how else would I get good conversation for my job as a C.I.A. agent?. Sometimes being a C.I.A. agent is no fun.

Last night was a first: I was in Hitler’s bed. Whitey insisted, as she is very persuasive. I found myself purring for the first time while sleeping next to him. Since purring is the ultimate expression of contentment, I wondered what that meant. My initial feelings of fear have vanished, but I shouldn’t put too much into it.

“Lucy, how was your night?” Adolf asked the next morning.

“It was great, Mein Fuhrer,” I replied. “I noticed you seemed to be having an intense dream”.

“Yes, I dream quite often, and it is not always a good experience,” Adolf admitted.

“What were you dreaming about?” I asked.

“I used to be in love, but love does not usually end well for me,” Adolf said. “The first love of my life committed suicide. Turns out she was very selfish and didn’t care what her weakness would do to me. She almost ruined me”.

“Did you give up on love after that?” I asked.

“No, I fell in love again, but she was unfaithful to me, having an affair with my most important assistant in fighting the war,” Adolf said.

“What was her name?” I asked.

“I never mention her name, Lucy,” Adolf said. “I made her swallow poison right before I fled Berlin. I married her right before I killed her; I thought there was a certain evil righteousness to that. She had to pay for being unfaithful, like the rest of Germany”.

“And then you fled Germany?” I asked.

“Yes, that is when I came to Transylvania,” Adolf explained. “We burned one of my body-doubles with her body to trick the Allies into thinking I was dead”.

“But what about the teeth?” I asked. “The Russians said the teeth they found matched yours and confirmed it with your dentist”.

“Yes, well, I thought of that too,” Adolf chuckled. “My most believable stand-in had to go through an extensive dental program so our teeth were almost exactly the same. Plus, once you burn the body, it doesn’t have to be exact”.

“Wow,” I said. “You did think of everything”

VI: The Mouse Hunt and the Tragedy of Panzer

I was very nervous translating for all those cats. I didn’t notice any boy cats and got the impression that all the girl cats were lesbians; they had a certain glow! They all seemed to understand Hitler’s speech, and I don’t remember messing up—mission accomplished.

My next mission was to resist all the girl cats hitting on me. Everyone was so horny, and my resistance was beginning to weaken. One beautiful, multi-colored cat set her eyes on me, and for the rest of the night, it was like she was the only cat there besides me. Her name was Panzer, and I was in love.

The night was all about catching mice and rats, so I teamed up with Panzer. “I think we have the best team!” I said to her.

“Of course, Lucy,” Panzer replied. “Is there any doubt? Let’s go where our noses lead us. I can smell rodent piss a mile away”.

“Don’t you mean a kilometer?” I asked.

“Follow me, Lucy,” Panzer said. “What do you think of the first-place prize Hitler is giving to the cats who kill the most rodents? Five points for a rat”.

“Lucy, let’s not waste any time,” Panzer urged. “I won the contest last year with Whitey as my teammate”.

“Oh no,” I said. “Is she going to be mad at me for stealing her partner?”.

“Don’t worry, Lucy,” Panzer assured me. “I noticed she already teamed up with that cat over there”.

“Isn’t she a kitten?” I asked. “Is that legal in Transylvania?”.

“Lucy, Whitey is the law for cats in Transylvania, at least for lesbian cats,” Panzer explained. “I don’t think she cares about anyone else. And the prize for killing the most rodents is a cat box for transporting cats—seats two, made of the skin of dead Jews”.

“Omg! How can you get in one of those?” I asked, horrified.

“I’ve never been in one,” Panzer said. “Last year, the prize was a free weekend of your choice at the Fuhrer’s castle. That’s when Whitey and I started going steady”.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Since Whitey is the Fuhrer’s cat, she has her choice of cats,” Panzer explained. “Since she can’t make up her mind, she has a real problem. I’ve found out Whitey has probably had sex with every girl cat here tonight! Follow me, Lucy. I know where we will find the most mice”.

“Where is that, Panzer?” I asked.

“Where the food is, of course,” Panzer replied.

As soon as we made it into the kitchen, I could smell a rat and some mice. We decided to walk toward the center of the room from opposite corners, making sure to check every crevice. However, the staff was cooking for the Fuhrer and didn’t like cats in the kitchen, so we had to stay hidden.

Before long, we cornered a mouse in the storage room next to the kitchen. I let Panzer kill it, giving us one point in the first hour. We were confident, but after six hours, we still only had that one mouse, as there were over a hundred other cats roaming around.

“I know where to go, Lucy,” Panzer said.

“Oh no, Panzer,” I worried. “Not the dungeon”.

We found an empty room with a very small hole in the wall. “Let me go in first, Lucy,” Panzer said. “I think I can squeeze through”.

After much struggle, Panzer was in, and I immediately heard her scream: “Lucy!”. Struggling through the hole myself, I found Panzer in a life-and-death struggle with three rats. I immediately turned the tide, fighting all three rats by myself and killing them one by one.

“Are you okay, Panzer?” I asked.

“No, Lucy,” she replied. “They got me good”. She was bleeding from the neck. It took us a long time to get her through that tight door and back for help.

“Mein Fuhrer, can you help me with Panzer?” I cried out.

“What happened, Lucy?” Adolf asked.

“We were ambushed by three rats,” I explained. We quickly took Panzer to Hitler’s doctor, who rushed her into the operating room while we waited outside.

“I hear you and Panzer won the competition, Lucy!” Adolf said.

“Really, Mein Fuhrer?” I asked.

“Yes,” Adolf confirmed. “With your three rats and one mouse, you scored sixteen points. Second place only had thirteen”.

I couldn’t believe we won. Suddenly, the doctor appeared with bad news: “I’m afraid she didn’t make it. She lost too much blood”. The news hit me like a brick; I wasn’t ready to lose her. I had just met her and instantly fallen in love. Oh, Panzer!

“This is terrible news, Lucy,” Adolf said. “I am so upset. It just goes to show you how the rat-Jews don’t play fair, attacking Panzer with a three-to-one advantage. Just like the human Jews—I remember how they fought our brave Nazi troops in Poland, appearing from unimaginable positions to kill our glorious soldiers. They don’t fight fair”.

“I just wish I could have gotten in there soon enough to save her,” I said, devastated.

Suddenly, Hitler pulled a medal off his chest. “Here, Lucy. I want you to have this”.

“Oh no, I can’t, Mein Fuhrer,” I said. “I know how important that medal is to you”.

“No, Lucy. I insist,” Adolf said. Oh my god!

“Tom, did you see that?” I asked later. “Hitler gave me his only Iron Cross!”.

“Oh no, Lucy, he has another one,” Tom said. “But the one you have is probably worth millions”.

“I could never sell this, Tom,” I said. “I want to hold it for the rest of my life to remember that this really happened”.

“So, you’re becoming a Nazi, Lucy?” Tom asked.

“No, Tom, of course not,” I replied. “But I don’t think I have ever had such a day in all my life. And I know history—I know of every atrocity the Nazis committed. That is a lot of hate for any like to overcome”.

“I can’t believe you are leaving, Tom,” I said.

“Believe it, Lucy,” Tom said. “I can’t stay forever like you. I have to pay the bills. Have you contacted the C.I.A. yet?”.

“I transmit to them every day as soon as it gets dark,” I told him. “I find a safe place with a good line of sight so they know everything that is going on. I recorded this tape for you to give to Desi; he will need help playing it. It’s all in cat, so you won’t understand, but Desi will”.

Tom is gone. I can’t remember being without him, but I have to be strong. This is Hitler, not some second-stringer. I wish I knew more about what the C.I.A. wants from this investigation. They told me just to be myself, but I miss Desi. I wonder if Tom played my tape for him. I told him how much I love him; he’s all I think about when I’m not with one of the pretty girl cats around here.

V: The Whitey Night Party and Hitler’s Speech

“Lucy!” Whitey called out.

“What, Whitey? Why are you so excited?” I asked.

“Lucy, Friday night is ‘Whitey Night’ in the castle!” she exclaimed.

“Really? What is that?” I asked.

“Adolf said I could do anything I wanted for one whole night,” Whitey explained.

“So what did you tell him?” I asked. “Is it because I am here?”.

“No, Lucy,” Whitey replied. “I get to invite all my cat friends to the castle for one big party”.

“A sex party?” I asked.

“Well, that is one of the benefits, now that you mention it,” Whitey said. “We do it once a year. We offer free food—the mice of the castle. This is a big place, and hunting them is too big a job for me, so Adolf agreed I could have a party. His only condition is that I let him give a speech to start it. He says he needs the practice, and since you are here, we have an interpreter to make it happen”.

“Well, I can’t wait. I am so excited!” I said.

“Yeah, Lucy, you will meet a lot of girl cats—all of them beautiful!” Whitey said. “You get to translate his speech into cat for all our guests”.

“Oh my god! What an honor!” I thought. But also, what pressure! I was incredibly apprehensive and couldn’t sleep, thinking about all the “hot” girl cats and how it would be impossible to resist them. I was constantly rubbing myself, wishing I could call Desi to center me.

Finally, Friday arrived. “Aren’t you excited, Tom?” I asked.

“Oh yes, Lucy,” Tom replied. “I’m really glad I get to have a little fun tonight since I am leaving Monday”.

“Monday?” I asked, surprised.

“Yes, I have a lot of business to take care of at home, Lucy,” Tom explained. “Sorry for the short notice, but you know how the Fuhrer gets talking. He pressed me for an answer about when I was leaving. You wouldn’t believe how happy he was that you were staying”.

“Please tell Desi that I miss him,” I said. “Tell him I love him and think he is hot”.

“How am I going to do that, Lucy?” Tom asked. “I don’t speak cat”.

“Oh. Of course. Sorry… my bad,” I said.

At five minutes to eight, over a hundred cats had arrived at the large dining hall. They were all given earplugs so they could hear me speaking cat while Hitler spoke German. Before long, however, the earplugs and hearing aids were flying everywhere. Cats will be cats—it was complete mayhem until Hitler appeared. Then, all the cats came to attention and put on their hearing aids as instructed.

“I’m so glad you cats invited me to speak to you,” Hitler began. “Thanks to Tom’s cat, Lucy, cats and humans can finally understand each other”. All the cats stood on their hind legs and applauded me; I was so embarrassed!

“Not only do I respect you cats, I have learned a lot from you—perhaps second only to what I learned from wolves,” Hitler continued. “But what brings us together tonight is a common problem: the Jew. I confront the evil human Jew; you face the rodent Jew. Rodents are the Jews of the animal kingdom. Humans do everything possible to exterminate the rodent, just as I did everything possible to kill as many Jews as I could. I simply attacked the Jewish problem as you cats attack the rodent problem. If you know rodents and rats, you know Jews—there is no difference!”.

Once again, the cats stood in applause.

“If not for weakness in my ranks, I would have been successful in my mission,” Hitler declared. “Here in Transylvania, we are experiencing the final stage of their warfare against humanity. Here, the Jews become vampires. They live to suck the blood of your children to turn them into vampires. I call on all cats and werewolves, and all other creatures of valor, to defend mankind and the animal kingdom against the evil blood-sucking Vampire Jews, mice, and rats. Amen”.

IV: The Dinner Party and the Nazi Secrets

“I was beginning to worry about you, Lucy,” Tom said when we reunited.

“Whitey showed me the Eagle’s Nest—the highest place in the castle,” I explained.

“Oh, we can go there after dinner,” Adolf offered. “I truly enjoy watching the sunset there”.

“So you spend a lot of time there, Mein Fuhrer?” I asked.

“Yes, Lucy,” Adolf replied. “I do some of my deepest thinking there. Let me take you there after dinner”.

“But it is so small,” I noted. “Where will I sit?”.

“In my lap, Lucy,” Adolf said. Uh-oh.

Dinner was excellent. I love chicken, but I noticed Hitler didn’t have any. “Why didn’t you have any?” I asked.

“I don’t eat meat much, if at all,” Adolf explained. “I am mostly vegetarian”.

“Tell me more about your war with the vampires,” I pressed.

“I’m sorry, Lucy,” Adolf said. “I’d rather not. I’d prefer to just look out over the mountains and relax”.

“So, was attacking Russia why you lost the war?” I asked. Suddenly, Hitler flew into a rage. He stood up so fast that I went flying, almost falling through the open window.

“I lost the war because of incompetent generals and treason in the ranks at the very top!” Hitler screamed.

I figured I had better change the subject. “Tell me more about when you became a werewolf”.

“It was the day I left Berlin, right before it fell,” Adolf said, calming down. “Our scientists had worked up the formula. It was as simple as getting a shot—not like in the movies where you have to be bitten or scratched”.

“So now you live forever?” I asked.

“There are no guarantees, of course,” Adolf replied. “Every day is a gift—another chance to rid the world of the vermin Jews and vampires!”.

“Did you and the Fuhrer have a nice time at the Eagle’s Nest, Lucy?” Tom asked later.

“For the most part,” I said.

“Most part? Did you bring up the war again?” Tom asked.

“I can’t help it, Tom,” I defended. “This may be the world’s only opportunity to get answers”.

“Answers? You’re going to get answers alright,” Tom said. “What does Hitler do for fun? He watches execution videos. Everyone knows that! He had all those traitors who tried to blow him up executed and then watched the recordings”.

“Yuk!” I said. “Guess what, Tom? Whitey says that when it is cold, she sleeps with the Fuhrer in the same bed”.

“And?” Tom asked.

“I wanted to ask you if it was okay if I slept with her—I mean him… I mean them?”.

“What about me, Lucy?” Tom asked. “Who is gonna sleep with me if you are sleeping with the Fuhrer?”.

“Tom, it is nothing like that,” I assured him. “I am sure the C.I.A. will love to get a bird’s-eye view of his sleeping habits. It is all for the mission”.

“All for the mission, Lucy? What about Whitey?” Tom smirked.

“Well… you got me there,” I admitted.

I knocked on the Fuhrer’s door at the appropriate time. Adolf answered, and he was completely naked. I was so shocked that I forgot to look and see if he had two balls. That was part of my mission: “Does Adolf Hitler have two balls or one?”. Apparently, it is a very controversial subject. I was no closer to finding out because he had already made his way to the shower. Damn. I must not forget to look at his balls at the first opportunity; this is basic stuff, and I should already know the answer.

“Oh hi, Lucy,” Whitey said, appearing in the room. “I see you found Adolf’s bedroom”.

“Yes,” I said. “Where do you sleep?”.

“In the bed, of course,” Whitey replied.

“Can I ask you a question?” I asked her. “Does Adolf have two balls or one?”.

“Lucy, what a ridiculous question,” Whitey laughed. “Why?”.

“The whole world wants to know!” I exclaimed.

“Oh really? And you are going to tell them?” Whitey asked.

“Of course not, Whitey,” I lied. “It’s more a ‘curiosity killed the cat’ type of thing”.

“Actually, I am not sure,” Whitey admitted. “I don’t have much interest in men’s balls. If you wanted to know about a girl-cat’s pussy, that I am much more likely to know. Sorry!”.

Sleeping with Hitler—which sounds like the name of the book I should write about this—was not the best experience. The rumors of his bad breath are definitely true, probably due to the werewolf thing. He never stops tossing and turning, having serious dreams. I didn’t get a lick of sleep. And, of course, Whitey wouldn’t leave me alone. I wish Desi was like that. Speaking of Desi, I wish I could call him, but how would he pick up the phone?.

“Tom, I can’t believe I slept with Hitler,” I said the next morning.

“Believe it, Lucy,” Tom said. “Now you are a certified Nazi”.

“Nazi? No way!” I protested. “I’m not into all that. I just wonder how many cats have died in his experiments”.

“Well, if you don’t want to be the next one, you had better watch what you talk about around him,” Tom warned. “The war is definitely off-limits. Just stick with small talk, like the weather or how much you appreciate clean cat boxes. The less you say, the better, considering your job”.

“And I blew my chance to find the answer to one of my mission’s most important questions,” I lamented.

“What question is that, Lucy?” Tom asked.

“Does Hitler have two balls or one?”.

“Really? The C.I.A. wants to know that?” Tom laughed.

“Yes,” I said. “It was one of the first bullet points in my mission instructions. When he opened the door naked, I was so shocked I looked away, and by the time I remembered, he was already in the shower”.

“You really dropped the ball, Lucy!” Tom joked. “By the way, no help from me on that one”.

“Thanks, Tom,” I said sarcastically. “Just when I needed you most”.

“So Tom,” Adolf asked , “how long are you and Lucy going to stay? I really enjoy having Lucy around. She is so much more pleasant to sleep with than Whitey. Please don’t mention that to her, Lucy; she is very sensitive”.

“Oh, don’t worry, Mein Fuhrer,” I said. “I’ll keep your secret”.

“Do you have to take Lucy home so soon, Tom?” Adolf asked. “Lucy and Whitey are getting along so well, and there is so much of the castle Lucy hasn’t even seen”.

“Oh, what do you think, Lucy?” Tom asked. “Would you like to spend more time with Whitey?”.

“Sure! Thanks, Mein Fuhrer,” I said. Mission accomplished—and extended!

III: The Investigation of Hitler’s Castle

“How’s the packing going, Lucy?” Tom asked.

“Good, Tom,” I said. “My butt-pack is almost full. I just hope everything makes it through the transformer. I’ve never tried to take ‘stuff’ before”. I specifically wanted my favorite cat spray; I love the smell and can’t live without it.

I truly love the way Tom holds me when we go through the mirror portal. He calls it a “transformer”. It is a real rush for about ten seconds before we arrive at the castle in Transylvania. Tom tells me it’s like doing cocaine, though I wouldn’t know about that.

Hitler’s #2 man greeted us at the door. “The Fuhrer will be so glad you are here. I will go get him”. According to Tom, the castle was of 11th-century design and always cold unless you were near one of the many huge fireplaces.

“I’m so glad you made it, Lucy. How was your trip?” Hitler asked.

“A real rush, Mein Fuhrer!” I replied.

“And you brought Tom with you,” Hitler noted.

“Yeah, he kind of follows me wherever I go,” I joked, which got a big laugh from Hitler.

“Lucy, I was so busy the last time you were here that I neglected to show you my castle,” Hitler said. “Would you like to see it all?”.

“Oh my god, I would forever be in your debt,” I said, excited. “It’s already the most beautiful place I have ever been”.

“Well, you must not get around much,” Hitler chuckled. “It could definitely use some new furniture. It’s just that I have been so busy planning my attack on the blood-sucking Vampire Jews. It seems that planning to kill them is all I do”.

“Have you ever thought of a vacation? Paris? London?” I asked.

“Lucy, you are the funniest cat I have ever met!” Hitler laughed. “I can’t remember when I laughed so much!”.

“I’m just here to please,” I said. “By the way, where is your cat?”.

“You mean Whitey?” Hitler asked. “She likes to hang out in the dungeon. You’ll meet her during the tour”.

“Mein Fuhrer…” I started.

“Call me Adolf, Lucy,” he interrupted.

“How come you look so young compared to the last time you were seen in public?” I asked. “You don’t look a day over forty”.

“You’re so kind, Lucy,” Adolf replied. “Actually, I have had a few surgeries, and you know what they say about Nazi doctors!”.

“Actually, my program doesn’t have an answer for that one,” I said.

“Simple, Lucy—Nazi doctors are the best!” Adolf declared.

As we got closer to the dungeon, I heard occasional screams, yells, and crying.

“Oh, pay no attention to those fakers,” Adolf dismissed. “They like to act like they are special and life is hard. They have it good in my dungeon; their lives find meaning through the advancement of science, medicine, or surgeries. We make sure each Jew is put through the whole gamut of our tests”.

“But isn’t that a lot of pain? Especially the tests where you freeze them?” I asked.

“Most Jews don’t make it through the freezing test, especially the women,” Adolf replied coldly.

“What happens if freezing doesn’t kill you?” I asked.

“We just keep testing them until there is nothing left,” Adolf said. “No part of the Jew goes to waste when it comes to suffering!”. Oh my god.

“Oh, there’s Whitey,” Adolf said. “I knew you would be in the dungeon”.

“Who is this sexy cat you bought me, Adolf?” Whitey asked in cat.

“My name is Lucy,” I replied with a meow.

“Are you a fan of mine?” Whitey asked. “Are you here to have sex with me? Because I’m a very busy cat”.

“What is she saying, Lucy? Is she speaking cat to you?” Tom asked.

“Yes, she is speaking cat to me,” I told him. Then I turned back to Whitey: “And no, I am not here to have sex with you. How rude!”.

“Well, I wasn’t trying to be rude,” Whitey replied. “I meet a lot of cats who think they know me and that I owe them a good time just because I am the Fuhrer’s cat”.

“Why do you hang out in the dungeon? It seems like a depressing place,” I noted.

“Exactly,” Whitey agreed. “I come here when I am depressed. After watching how bad these vampires have it, I don’t feel so bad, and my depression is over”.

“Interesting,” I said. “I’ll have to try that mind-bender when I get home”.

“Home? Where is that?” Whitey asked.

“Well, I am Tom’s cat, so I live with him in Arizona,” I explained.

“I’ve never been out of Transylvania,” Whitey said. “I hear this is the best place for cats”.

“Well, it is for you, since you are Hitler’s cat,” I said. “Believe me, it’s not like he can live just anywhere!”.

“Follow me, Lucy,” Whitey said.

“Wait, where are you going? What about Tom and the Fuhrer?” I asked.

“Don’t worry about those two,” Whitey replied. “They won’t even notice we are gone”.

I followed Whitey to the very top of the castle—the “Eagle’s Nest”—an observatory that provided line-of-sight in every direction.

“I love to be high,” Whitey confessed. “I get the biggest rush from being as high as possible”.

“Of course,” I agreed. “All cats are like that. Even I am feeling that rush right now”.

Suddenly, Whitey grabbed me and started rubbing against me. I tried to resist, but she was so persistent—and I didn’t want to be rude. Besides, I couldn’t resist.

“You are the most beautiful white cat I have ever seen,” I told her.

“So that must mean you enjoyed the sex,” Whitey purred. “Did you cum?”.

“I’m still cumming!” I said.

“Omg, Lucy,” Whitey said. “I don’t usually spend so much time having sex—I mean, twice with a stranger? I must be getting weak in my old age”.

“How old are you?” I asked.

“I’m seven—in cat years, of course,” Whitey said. “Still in my prime”.

“I’ll say, Whitey,” I agreed. “I find you quite irresistible”. And then we went for Round Two.

II: C.I.A. Training and the First Mission

I decided not to tell Desi about Hitler. I don’t like keeping secrets, but he hasn’t been programmed and likely doesn’t even know who Hitler is. It was good to be home with him while he told me about his day, including a mouse he almost caught. I sounded interested, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Hitler; my life was growing more complicated by the minute.

Today we received our C.I.A. jackets. Mine has “Lucy” on the right front and “C.I.A.” on the left. It is so kick-ass; I feel like my life has true meaning. While I am happy to be Tom’s cat and Desi’s wife, this just completes me. I have intense training coming up with the other C.I.A. cats, and I look forward to showing them what I’m made of.

The president of the C.I.A., a cat named Vicious, addressed us: “Hello cats! My name is Vicious. I am the first President of the C.I.A. and will be responsible for your training. But first, I will take attendance. Cutey?”.

“Here,” Cutey replied.

“Scatter? Shatter? Are you guys sisters?”.

“Yes,” they both answered.

“Lucy?”.

“Here,” I said.

“Oh yes, Lucy,” Vicious said, looking at a file. “It says here that you need to go to the office immediately after this class”.

Once in the office, Vicious said, “I see in your programming that you met with a man who calls himself Hitler”.

“How did you know? Who told you?” I asked, startled.

“No one had to tell us, Lucy,” Vicious explained. “As soon as you walked into this building, we already knew everything. We are able to replay your internal sensor at our convenience”.

“You mean I have no privacy?” I asked. “What about when Desi is licking my pussy?”.

“I don’t think we have any interest in that!” Vicious replied. “We are, however, interested in the man who calls himself Hitler—the one who went to the trouble of having plastic surgery to look and sound exactly like him. Your first mission as a C.I.A. agent will be to conduct a total investigation of this man. From our preliminary investigation, we have learned he has a cat named Whitey, who is a lesbian. Do you think you can do the job, Lucy?”.

“Well, uh,” I stammered. “You mean I have to be a lesbian?”.

“Yes, Lucy,” Vicious stated. “Do you have a problem with that? There are plenty of other girl-cat C.I.A. agents!”.

“Oh, no,” I said. “I am ready to complete this mission successfully”.

“Great,” Vicious said. “We have a few movies for you to watch at home tonight featuring lesbian girl cats having sex—and fighting a lot. Lesbian girl cats fight a lot!”.

Luckily, Desi was sleeping when I got home. For some reason, I was in a hurry to watch the movie. I had never even thought of lesbian sex before—hardly at all. I quickly got some of my favorite snacks and put the movie on. I couldn’t believe how sexy the star was. When the other cat started licking her, I couldn’t help but start rubbing myself.

Then, Desi walked in. “Lucy, do you know where Tom hid the cat snacks?”. I quickly turned off the TV before he could see what I was watching. That was a close call.

Later, I told Tom, “You know, the C.I.A. is planning on sending me on a mission”.

“Really, Lucy? I guess you have to keep it a secret?” Tom asked.

“Oh no, Tom,” I replied. “I can tell you everything since you’re my master. The C.I.A. wants me to spy on Hitler. They don’t believe he is real”.

“You mean they don’t believe in werewolves?” Tom asked.

“I don’t remember if we discussed werewolves,” I admitted.

“How long is the mission?” Tom asked.

“The mission doesn’t have an end point,” I said.

“Then I should come with you at first to provide cover,” Tom suggested. “When I leave, you can just get lost for a few hours. I’ll tell Hitler I have to go, and I’m sure he won’t mind you sticking around”.

I went to headquarters and watched videos of Whitey. She was so hot and had a big following on the new Cat Internet. Apparently, she sleeps around; I just hope she can’t tell I’ve never had lesbian sex.

“Desi? I’m going to tell you something,” I said to my husband.

“Tell me what, Lucy?” Desi asked.

“I’m going to tell you about my upcoming mission,” I explained. “I have to investigate Hitler because the C.I.A. doesn’t believe he is the real Adolf. I’m sure he is, but I have to prove it. And guess what, Desi? He is a werewolf. That is how he has lived so long. Do you even know who he is?”.

“Sorry, Lucy,” Desi replied. “Never heard of him”.